the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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