Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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