Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
