i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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