did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
