im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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