I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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