You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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