I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
