I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
