My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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