did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize