i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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