My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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