Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
