if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
