Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
