just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize