there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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