You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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