Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
