I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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