I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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