i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
