I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
