Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
