so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
