My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
