I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize