What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
