i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
