dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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