i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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