made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
