Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
