bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my phone needs a breathalizer
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
