is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
