I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You should frame my arrest warrant.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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