the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
