Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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