I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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