My sheets look like a crime scene.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
