Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
