she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
