remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
