Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
