Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Randomize
