My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
