Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
