took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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