Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
