she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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