if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
