She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just found puke in my bra..
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
