I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
