she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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