I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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